New: Faster, More Sensitive Anthrax Detection System

Detecting anthrax has long been an ugly and detestable practice. Rippling muscles on the point of bursting and redundancy -- along with a brand of machismo that outdoes the most sexist of pigs -- make modern anthrax detection one of the most caustic forms of detection.

Yet, scientists recently unveiled a method of detecting anthrax that enjoys tea, sweaters, and knitting.

This anthrax detection system walks old ladies across the street, carries their groceries up the stairs, gives them a sponge bath, and makes them feel like they've started their lives over again on a bed of fresh pillows and baby wipes.

The government recently started using it at a number of US Post Offices. Asked for an opinion, the Post Office remarked, "Well, being a large network of buildings and roads and codes does make life difficult. It's hard to get your bearings. Having something a little bit nicer in your life for once sure is a relief."

Other government offices have things to say on the matter as well. Says the Pentagon: "If I could bathe in the this anthrax detection system, I would." The judicial branch? "This shit is like heroin. I'm hooked."

In fact, fears of a widespread addiction to this detection system are not unfounded. Historically, people and places are loathe to be infected by anthrax, so any detection system at all was already desirable -- but now that it's so sensitive, things may get out of control.

The Department of Weights and Measures says, "I'm steering clear of the stuff myself. Too risky. Give me a punch to the face and tell me my teeth are anthrax free. That's how I like it and that's how I'll take it."

Still, only time will tell how sensitivity will really affect the anthrax detection market.