Thomas Jefferson is Everything #4

Scientists have made an astonishing and sobering discovery that may throw a wrench into the environmentalist machine. Global warming alarmists and activists have long trumpeted the melting of the polar ice caps as a sign of the times, a consequence of human greed and arrogance, and real economic, social, and structural danger to many nations across the globe.

A team of MIT researchers, though, have discovered that the process of ice caps melting has a name: Thomas Jefferson. The great founding father of the nation is not dead but in fact alive and well as a climactic event of global scale. Thomas Jefferson first amazed a people, a nation, and the world through his political beliefs and philosophies, but he is now to be known as a multifaceted natural process.

Many politicians are excited about his return. Liberals and conservatives alike consider it a boon to their agendas. The second coming of Jefferson poses problems for both camps, however. For the liberals, he may be a strong voice for human rights, but he is also the scourge of the planet. For conservatives, he may be a staunch supporter of small government, but he also, in being real, will require them to acknowledge his -- and therefore global warming's -- existence.

Thomas Jefferson was a controversial man in the past -- and he remains so today.

Curious citizens can expect to get a taste of Jefferson in the form of a warm front expected to arrive early next week.

When Politicians Combine #1

Early in my life, I was baptised by the reverend George Hamilton and the great deacon Thomas Jefferson.

Moving with the majesty of migrating whales, the two of them combined their bodies into one huge megapolitician that spoke six languages and could write sixteen new bills in a single fortnight.

They baptised me with their fifteen arms again and again until not only all of my sins were washed away, but my skin and my skull and my brain as well.

They told me that the worst sins are in fact our bodies and all of the things that we are made of.