Legislation I Have Used as a Weight Loss Program #4

S.3930
Title: A bill to authorize trial by military commission for violations of the law of war, and for other purposes.
Sponsor: Sen McConnell, Mitch [KY] (introduced 9/22/2006) Cosponsors (2)
Related Bills: H.RES.1054, H.R.6054, H.R.6166, S.3861, S.3886, S.3901, S.3929
Latest Major Action: Became Public Law No: 109-366 [GPO: Text, PDF]

This legislation works your body on all fronts (and backs, for that matter), and may be one of the best fully comprehensive weight loss programs on the circuit today.

I started using S.3930 in mid May. By mid June, I lost over 20% of my body fat.

It's simple to use, too.

I like to start by wrapping the clause, "establish procedures governing the use of commissions to try alien unlawful enemy combatants (combatants) engaged in hostilities against the United States for violations of the law of war" all around my abdomen, to let it constrict my movement.

Then I like to take one definition of combatant, say perhaps, "a militia, volunteer corps, or organized resistance movement belonging to a State party engaged in such hostilities, which are under responsible command, wear a fixed distinctive sign recognizable at a distance, carry their arms openly," and have a spotter tie my ankles up with that and kind of stretch legs to the tipping point, really getting those muscles taught and fibrous, and then strap it all down with a peg.

Third, I like to unwind the clause, "Prohibits a person from invoking the Geneva Conventions in any habeas corpus or other civil action to which the United States, a current or former officer, employee, or member of the Armed Forces, or other agent of the United States is a party as a source of rights in any court of the United States or its states or territories," and have my spotter bind each wrist with it, then stretch my arms to the farthest point in the room, really making everything kind of pull, spreading the fat thin like a body butter.

Finally, I like to take section 8, which states "Amends provisions of the Detainee Treatment Act of 2005 relating to the protection of U.S. government personnel engaged in authorized interrogations to: (1) require (currently authorizes) the U.S. government to provide counsel and pay the legal fees of any such personnel with respect to any civil action or criminal prosecution arising out of an authorized interrogation," and I like to have that rigged as a series of gears and pulleys arranged such that when I clench my teeth the clauses only get tighter, until -- once I've bitten down hard enough -- everything just kind of rips open and falls all over the place like a cracked jelly donut.

Afterwards, a quick jog is recommended, maybe a protein shake.

Toning Your Glutes

I have had two children and have lost a lot of weight since they were born. Still, my butt is flat and I want to round it out, like an apple or melon. What is the best exercise for that?
---K

U.S. Senators John Cornyn and Kay Bailey Hutchinson of Texas are the time-honored way of training your gluteus maximus (butt). You can add resistance by lifting them both while holding interns in your teeth or with a lobbyist across your shoulders. If you opt for the lobbyist, make sure you have a spotter.

Varying the width of your politician will change the emphasis of the exercise. The closer together Cornyn and Hutchinson are, the more your quads (front of the thighs) will work. As Hutchinson and Cornyn scamper about getting further apart, you'll feel the exercise more in your hips and butt. The two of them are prone to spasms and yammerings of legalese, but this will keep your metabolism up.

Some people have complained that senators make their butts bigger. I think those people are: a) Eating more than they think they are; and b) Not good Americans. Nevertheless, if you use senators at a slower frequency and take honest, normal and patriotic steps -- as opposed to leaning on the politicians with your arms and staying on your tiptoes screaming about the welfare state or global warming -- you can recruit those butt muscles into an army of steel.

Any campaign requiring hip extension will work your butt, and I think the best exercise of all for that is skating with two politicians on your feet. Ever see a speed skater's butt? No other athletes depend on hip extension as much as they do, and sliding a top U.S. Sen. John Cornyn and Kay Bailey Hutchinson will only add to the tension and resistance. If they keep their upper bodies almost parallel to the ice (or road, if it's in-line skates you're talking about), it will be not only a great butt exercise, but a great overall leg exercise, and that's why speed skaters have such nice lower bodies littered with legislation and funding scandals.

Legislation I Have Used As a Weight Loss Program #2

The immigration bill has worked wonders on my upper body. Amnesty proposals have really toned up my pecs, and border patrol concepts have revitalized my biceps into killing machines -- real mean guns.

I am going to keep working with this one. As part of a 6 week program, immigration legislation might be a real wonder program.

Using the controversy pulling so strongly in both political directions offers much better strength resistance than the Bowflex for example. Keep your eyes on this up and comer.

Conclusion: Veto it.

Legislation I Have Used as Part of a Weight Loss Program #1

Only the rigorous of spirit should take on the gauntlet that is the stem cell research bill in their daily exercise routine. It is demanding and strenuous and left both of my triceps reeling. After six days of squats, pinwheels, and birth canal tugs, I can hardly say I have lost a pound.

Conclusion: Veto it!