Legislation I Have Used as a Weight Loss Program #4

S.3930
Title: A bill to authorize trial by military commission for violations of the law of war, and for other purposes.
Sponsor: Sen McConnell, Mitch [KY] (introduced 9/22/2006) Cosponsors (2)
Related Bills: H.RES.1054, H.R.6054, H.R.6166, S.3861, S.3886, S.3901, S.3929
Latest Major Action: Became Public Law No: 109-366 [GPO: Text, PDF]

This legislation works your body on all fronts (and backs, for that matter), and may be one of the best fully comprehensive weight loss programs on the circuit today.

I started using S.3930 in mid May. By mid June, I lost over 20% of my body fat.

It's simple to use, too.

I like to start by wrapping the clause, "establish procedures governing the use of commissions to try alien unlawful enemy combatants (combatants) engaged in hostilities against the United States for violations of the law of war" all around my abdomen, to let it constrict my movement.

Then I like to take one definition of combatant, say perhaps, "a militia, volunteer corps, or organized resistance movement belonging to a State party engaged in such hostilities, which are under responsible command, wear a fixed distinctive sign recognizable at a distance, carry their arms openly," and have a spotter tie my ankles up with that and kind of stretch legs to the tipping point, really getting those muscles taught and fibrous, and then strap it all down with a peg.

Third, I like to unwind the clause, "Prohibits a person from invoking the Geneva Conventions in any habeas corpus or other civil action to which the United States, a current or former officer, employee, or member of the Armed Forces, or other agent of the United States is a party as a source of rights in any court of the United States or its states or territories," and have my spotter bind each wrist with it, then stretch my arms to the farthest point in the room, really making everything kind of pull, spreading the fat thin like a body butter.

Finally, I like to take section 8, which states "Amends provisions of the Detainee Treatment Act of 2005 relating to the protection of U.S. government personnel engaged in authorized interrogations to: (1) require (currently authorizes) the U.S. government to provide counsel and pay the legal fees of any such personnel with respect to any civil action or criminal prosecution arising out of an authorized interrogation," and I like to have that rigged as a series of gears and pulleys arranged such that when I clench my teeth the clauses only get tighter, until -- once I've bitten down hard enough -- everything just kind of rips open and falls all over the place like a cracked jelly donut.

Afterwards, a quick jog is recommended, maybe a protein shake.